CHANGES...CHANGES...CHANGES!!!

Yes, it's been a while...and we'll leave it at that. I've missed blogging, so I'm back. I thank Aldwyn Zanzibar for letting me be a guest blogger on his site, here. And, lol, I'll pop up there every now and then much to his dismay, I'm sure. But, it's good to be back to Reflections.

There have been a number of "Welcome Backs" that need to be made. Not sure why, but it seems to be the season that some old friends have decided to pop back into SL. These are not the type of people who created alts and hid in a different life, only to resurface. They left due to whatever reasons and have come back to say hi. In a way, it has been great. A chance to reconnect to my "early" days, and to reconnect to some people who have been away. So, welcome back guys...good to see ya.
I wonder, how much I have changed in the last year or two since they have seen me...yes, skin designers have stepped it up a notch and, well, clothes designers have really done too. It's got to be amazing to come back after being gone and see all the changes. Some things change so quickly, and other things remain the same, no matter how much time goes by.
I've definitely seen some ugly things but that has all passed a long time ago and, wow, what a learning experience on how nasty people can be to each other. I miss some others that I don't talk to either, for they have taken a step back as well. With enough time, I'm sure we will meet and talk again...I hope. And, to those whom I have held so dear for all these months/years, I love you guys. I don't need to name who you are. I took a quick look through my private plurks the other day, and goodness me, I can't believe I've talked to some of you for so long! The most comforting thing is that no matter what is going on in each other's lives, we are there for each other...whether it's just to listen to a vent session or a good slap of reality. ;)
Here's the plan and a work in progress at the moment. "Reflections" will be used as more of a writing, thought provoking (or not) site. I'm in the process of creating a second site that will solely deal with LOTDs, new releases, and my pretties. Am I biting off more than I can chew? Probably...but, then again, it's me...and my mouth is always full.

Blog Challenge...

A little late, I was busy stuffing my face. Hybie posted a challenge on her blog the other day, HERE.

Avidd really wanted to participate in this too. Personally, I think he wanted that cupcake. Great idea Hybie!
Wearing:
Top - Armidi
Hair - Truth
Cupcake Pose - Snooky's

The Manipulator...(part 2)

I know this is long, but it is crucial to your understanding of how an emotional manipulator works. SL can be a perfect opportunity for people like this to find their "victims." They will jump from person to person, until the find the right one who will fall for their every line, sad story, or whatever they use to hook them. Victims are usually those with low self-esteem, desperate for someone to "love" them, or someone looking for companionship and just to feel "special." There's always promise of great things, but then issues keep coming up. They are asked to keep these quiet, hidden from the public, keeping up appearances to show everyone how wonderful their life is together. When, in reality, behind closed doors...it's not. The manipulator will push issues, behaviors, that the victim would never do...but it starts off small and grows...the victim is now agreeing to things that he/she would never agree to in the past.
Please read the following and take heed:

There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.

An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.

Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!

Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.

Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.

If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!

Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.

Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.
(Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation; Emotional Manipulation is Also "Covert Aggression." See: "Psychopaths: Wolves in Sheep's Clothing" Here is a list adapted from an article by Fiona McColl)

Makes you think, doesn't it? I really, truly hope it does.

Abuse...

comes in many forms. It can be found both in RL and SL. Yes, it exists in SL as well. You see emotional and mental abuse can be just as, if not more, destructive than physical abuse. I have been making some observations in the last few months and have witnessed some very disturbing behaviors.
I thought it might be a good idea to refresh some people's minds on the signs of what abuse is and if you see it, please, please, walk away. YOU do not need to be a part of it. I'm not just speaking to the abuser, the victim, but the enablers as well. To the spectators, drama can be comical and enjoyable...to a point. But, it reaches a point where it becomes destructive and simply abusive, as witnessed by many over that last few months. Let's all get a refresher in what an abuser profile looks like and then, ask yourselves, is this type of person in my life? If so, what are YOU going to do about it?
Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:
Abuse — The abuser lashes out with aggressive or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim "who is boss."
Guilt — After the abusive episode, the abuser feels guilt, but not over what he's done to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of being caught and facing consequences.
Rationalization or excuses — The abuser rationalizes what he's done. He may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim for his own abusive behavior—anything to shift responsibility from himself.
"Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
Fantasy and planning — The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing his victim again, spending a lot of time thinking about what she's done wrong and how he'll make her pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
Set-up — The abuser sets up the victim and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing her.
Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are real.
www.helpguide.org
A big part of emotional abuse is the process of manipulation:
1) Changing Topics
Isn’t it funny how determined some people are to change the topic when it is their behavior that is put on the spotlight? One of the warning signs of manipulative behavior is when a person who is accused of wrongdoing shifts the conversation into something else.
Usually, the person makes himself out to be the victim and speaks about the number of times he has been maligned. I suppose what’s even funnier is that the people who claim that they’re not being manipulative at all are actually the ones who often exhibit this type of behavior.
2) Using Guilt
Another one of the warning signs of manipulative behavior is when the person makes you feel guilty all the time.
3) Blaming it On Others
When a manipulative person is once again the center of attention for something negative, he will immediately play the blame game to keep his name untarnished.
Sometimes, manipulation begets manipulation; so don’t get caught up in the process.
(Warning Signs Of Manipulative Behavior: 3 Types Of Manipulation And How To Overcome Them)
Just say NO!

Yum..Yum...

It's been over a month since I blogged? Goodness me...did all my fans miss me? I'm sure all two of you did! Kudos to you for sticking around!
Anyhoo...that's right, I just said that...kind of an inside joke to someone out there who will probably never read this. It's been a great summer and went by too quickly. The blog is going to be getting some updates and changes, so be patient as I try to juggle all my hats again.

First thing to go in my life were the chickens. As hard as it was to let go of the crazy little guys, it was time for a bbq. What? You didn't get the invite? It must have been an oversight. Sorry...next time. I hear bunnies are on the way.
**Patio set, including the grill and burgers can be found @ Belle Belle

BFF...until he steals my candy

You can have a BFF that's a guy...so I made him wear pink. Guys make awesome BFF's..they will be honest, even when I don't want to hear it, there's very little drama and the back stabbing is minimal. Plus, I always look the best in a skirt :P Boom released BFF shirts with friendship bracelets too!!!

and then he touched my candy

**Wearing**
Hair - Dernier Cri - Michelle
Top - *BOOM* - My BFF shirt pack
Pants - Zaara - Chinos *white*
Shoes - Surf Couture - Freedom Flops - White

Fresh From the Farm...

New releases from ::EmJay:: (and my pc is being a bitch so here you go: http://slurl.com/secondlife/Fusion%20Grove/126/132/22 )

The top comes in three styles and is just YUM! AND! Until tomorrow @ midnight they are set for 25L!!! GO!!!!!!!!!!!

**WEARING**
Hat @ Snatch http://slurl.com/secondlife/Pulse/175/224/30 Rattler
Hair @ DernierCri http://slurl.com/secondlife/Dernier%20Cri/109/139/28 Audrey
Glasses @ PrimOptic http://slurl.com/secondlife/Terra%20Toulouse/121/140/27 Marco
Boots @ Redgrave http://slurl.com/secondlife/REDGRAVE%20Womens%20Fashion/242/231/23 Biker Boots
Top @ ::EmJay:: http://slurl.com/secondlife/Fusion%20Grove/19/195/25
Shorts @ ::EmJay:: - Torn Shorts